Spec Script Writing - an Annotated Example

Interesting example of the 'less is more' school of screenwriting, by Charles Deemer. Don't agree with all of what's said here, but it's well worth a read to remind you of how little 'stage direction' you can use when writing a screenplay.

However, while I'll be the first to agree that it's important to remember that 'Writing a screenplay is NOT the same as writing a novel', I would add that it's also important to remember that 'Screenwriting is NOT the same as journalism'. And some of the stage direction in this example is far too 'clipped' and journalistic for my tastes, and as such fails to establish the tone and voice of the author. Two things that make you as a writer stand out from every other writer out there.

After all, don't you want a studio exec to pick up a script and know within a few pages that it's one of YOUR scripts, rather than somebody elses? I know I do.

I'm not saying go all Shane Black in your scripts, just that you will have a much better chance of cracking Hollywood if you try to write 'in your style', rather than just copying the bland style of someone else, just because you read it in a 'how to' screenwriting book.

Enjoy!

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FADE IN:

EXT. CITY - DAY

A SERIES OF SHOTS

City life.
--a clogged freeway at rush hour.
--a mall parking lot, full, cars roaming for a space.
--busy city streets. Buses, taxis.

EXT. MEDICAL CENTER - DAY

A full parking lot.

A public bus pulls up.

* Notice how stark and simple the writing style is. The camera, not the language here, will fill in the visual detail. The screenwriter writes only the essentials, providing the imagery but not mentioning the camera (i.e. how the images are shot) at all. Particular images may be written in more detail IF they have important dramatic function but never with the detail of prose writing, nor with specific information about camera angles and such. You are writing a blueprint for a movie. Write crisply and cleanly.

INT. CLINIC - EXAM ROOM - DAY

EMIL COLLINS, 70s, buttons his shirt after an exam.

Sitting with him is his DOCTOR. He hands Emil a prescription.

DOCTOR
I'm giving you stronger pain
medication.

* Notice how the scene starts in the MIDDLE of an action. We begin at the point where the essential scene moment begins. We see a guy dressing, we see a doctor – we can figure out he just had an exam.

Emil takes the slip of paper.

EMIL
Tell me straight, doc. How long?

DOCTOR
In the best of worlds, three,
four months.

EMIL
In the worst?

DOCTOR
I can get you in a hospice, Emil.
You'd be more comfortable there.

EMIL
In other words, any time after I
leave here. Does it come gradually
or do I fall over?

DOCTOR
It's impossible to predict
something like this. I'll call
you later this week about the
hospice.

* Bam! we immediately know the situation here: Emil has a terminal illness with not long to live. We’re off and running from the get go.

INT. CLINIC - PHARMACY - DAY

Emil sits waiting for his prescription. Flipping through a magazine.

* Notice you don’t have to write in complete sentences. Often fragments and dangling clauses are a screenwriter’s best friend.

WANDA, 50s, approaches.

WANDA
Professor Collins?

Emil doesn't seem to recognize her.

WANDA
Wanda McDonald. I took American
Literature from you maybe fifteen
years ago.

EMIL
(distant)
How are you?

WANDA
I'm fine. I want to tell you how
much you changed my life. I was
so scared coming back to school
after so long. You inspired me to
keep at it. You were so
inspirational.

Emil looks embarrassed.

* Important background info about our protagonist. We SHOW IT by the meeting here.

EMIL
Well, I'm going to assume you
graduated then.

WANDA
I went on and got my Masters. I
teach American Lit at the
community college. You're my
model of what a teacher should be.

VOICE ON SPEAKER
Emil Collins.

Emil stands up. He still looks embarrassed.

EMIL
I'm glad it all worked out.

He heads for the counter.

INT. CLINIC - FRONT DESK - DAY

Emil starts toward the exit. He carries a small bag. He passes the front desk.

* Notice the use of simple sentences. Write so you can be easily skimmed. In the real world, scripts are skimmed before they are read carefully. Your script must invite “an easy read.” Text density is the enemy. This isn’t prose. This is the blueprint for a movie.

ROSE, 20s, the secretary, sees him.

ROSE
No poetry today, Professor Collins?

Emil stops and turns.

EMIL
I almost forgot. Here's one. "As
long as you and I have arms and
lips which are for kissing and to
sing with, who cares if some one-
eyed son-of-a-bitch invents an
instrument to measure Spring
with?" E.E. Cummings.

* Another revelation about our character. His love of poetry becomes very important later and sets up the ending of the story. Here, this seems to be just a character revelation but in fact we are setting up something much more important. Your scenes should have consequences.

ROSE
Now my day's complete.

Rose smiles as Emil exits.

EXT. CLINIC - DAY

Emil emerges into a sun-bright day. He takes a deep breath.

He closes his eyes. Another deep breath.

INT. TAVERN - DAY

Emil at the bar with WALLY, 60s, a friend.

* An image, not a complete sentence.

WALLY
That's terrible news!

* Again, we begin in the middle of the scene. An amateur would have Emil telling Wally about his trip to the doctor: but we already know that! Don’t bore us with what we already know.

EMIL
Sshh, I don't want the whole
galaxy to know. It's not as bad
as you think. I've lived a good
life, and the world's going to
hell in a hand basket. I'm ready
to go.

WALLY
Don't say that.

EMIL
I just did.

WALLY
What are you going to do?

EMIL
That's what I've been thinking
about. Maybe take a trip. I'm not
sure.

* An important clue. This is exactly what he is going to do.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - STREET - DAY

A bus pulls to the curb. Emil gets off.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - RHODES HOUSE - DAY

Upper-end homes along a shaded street.

BILLY RHODES, teens, is mowing the front lawn.

Emil slowly approaches.

Billy turns off the lawn mower.

BILLY
Hey, Gramps! How'd it go?

EMIL
I've got the heart of a linebacker.

BILLY
You should've called. I would've
picked you up.

EMIL
You would've, would you? How
would you manage that?

BILLY
I'd take Mom's car. It's not that
far. And on the way back, you'd
be in the car, so driving with my
learner's permit would be legal.

EMIL
Next time I have to get somewhere,
I'll let you know.

* Billy is the 2nd most important character, and we introduce him as soon as we can. Also, the learner’s permit becomes important later. Billy will be Emil’s chauffeur on a trip to Idaho.

INT. RHODES HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT

The family around the dinner table: Besides Emil and Billy,

Emil's daughter MARTI and her husband, DON, both late 30s, and Billy's older sister, SARA, 19.

MARTI
What did the doctor have to say,
Dad?

EMIL
I have the heart of a marathon
runner.

BILLY
And a linebacker.

EMIL
(winking at him)
That, too.

MARTI
Your blood pressure's good?
Nothing out of order?

EMIL
Everything's out of order. It's
called old age.

MARTI
I'm allowed to worry about you.

DON
(to Marti)
Change of subject. Are you
telling her or am I?

SARA
Telling me what?

* Two things are happening here: we meet the rest of the family, who become important when Emil and Billy disappear on their trip; and we set up (in what follows) the parents’ taking a week vacation, leaving the teenage daughter in charge, which will make it easy for Emil and Billy to escape. Every moment has consequences; every moment sets up something to follow. Everything fits together like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. At the same time, the story must flow forward naturally, so that all of this architecture is invisible, hidden by our interest in the characters and story. The screenwriter is like a magician. You are building a trick but you don’t want the audience to see how you do it.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON CHARLES DEEMER CLICK HERE

Cheers!
Brian M Logan
ThatActionGuy.com
EMAIL ME HERE

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